Defining Your Bouindaries in Relationships AKA Just say NO to Booty Call

Relationships are defined differently with every couple, who each define and set their own unique set of rules and regulations. But what are rules and regulations, if nothing more than boundaries. We have boundaries so that we can protect ourselves. We set boundaries to define behaviors we find acceptable, or not. Look at your past relationships that went wrong, and sure enough, you will find there were boundary issues.

We cannot begin to tell you how many people have discussed their relationships with us that were so unhealthy, and how often the client expressed a feeling of hopelessness. How can you feel as though you have no power in YOUR relationship? Where did your power go? The boundaries were for YOU to define, from the beginning, not for your significant other to "guess" or figure out. Why is your relationship out of control and unhealthy?

Our question to you is why are you in a relationship that is out of control? Why are you allowing someone to overstep boundaries that make you unhappy? There is the real issue. Take a moment and ask yourself what kind of relationship you feel would make you happy and also ask yourself what behaviors within a relationship would make you miserable. Those are your boundaries folks, it is that simple.

These boundaries are NOT for people to guess or figure out, it is up to you to vocalize and enforce them. You have to take responsibility for them. Y-O-U. It is not up to someone else to meet the needs you won't verbalize nor explain. It is not someone else's responsibility to make you happy if you do not define and enforce boundaries within your relationship. This is necessary to ensure your happiness. Would you consider it bad parenting skills to have your children run wild, break curfew, talk disrespectfully to you, steal from you, and lie to you? The same holds true for you romantic partnerships. If you don't place boundaries with your relationship partner, your relationship skills are bad.

Once again, let's use a child as our example. When your child is young and you are trying raise them correctly, they are going to test you over and over, to see what your boundaries REALLY are. For instance if you tell your child not to ever curse in front of you or they will be punished do you really think the child will NEVER curse in front of you? A child will try to cross your boundaries to see WHAT YOU WILL DO ABOUT IT. If you do nothing about it, or the punishment is minor, they will feel as though that boundary doesn't exist, and they will cross it over and over again.

It is the SAME thing with your adult relationships. If you put out a boundary and your loved one crosses it, can you really expect them not to cross it again if there was only minor trouble when they did? Of course they will. If your complaint is that your partner calls you at midnight, after s/he has been out drinking with other friends, and wants you to come over and spend the night, and that makes you feel like a booty call, guess what? YOU ARE. If you are complaining the one you love will not take you out to eat or to a movie and will only come to your house for sex the question becomes "Since when did you want to be a booty call?"

If you don't want to be that booty call, the solution is simple!!! when that person expresses an interest in seeing you, tell them "Sure, where are we going?" and if they say "Well, I'm tired and figured we could just hang out at your house" DEFINE your boundary and tell them "Look, if this is going to be just about sex and you can't take me anywhere, then no thank you." Congratulations, you just set a boundary.

Now, they will most likely test you and see if they come up with a good excuse, or if they left you alone long enough for you to miss them, that you will back down and loosen your boundary. That is their hope. It is up to YOU to say "I told you, if you can't even take me out, you can't expect me to let you in my house for sex". Otherwise your boundary is a JOKE, and they just called your bluff and you blew it. YOU BLEW IT. YOU and YOU ALONE.

Your boundaries are what sets the stage for how people treat you. If you let someone treat you like a booty call, then that's what you will be. Why should they treat you with respect if you act like you have no SELF-respect? In 99.999% of cases, they won't. Now you cannot control how everyone on the planet will treat you, but you CAN control how people treat you on your planet. It is YOU who runs your world, and if it is chaotic, if your needs are not getting met, if your relationships are unhealthy, it is up to YOU as the one in charge to make your world a better place.